Thailand. Check.

Well folks, our adventure has come to an end! We made it back to Bangkok from Phuket on our last Thai Smile flight (great airline, so Thai frown to it coming to an end). We spent yesterday morning (last night to you) taking one more lap around Patong Beach. We found the metropolitan area, which reminded us of New York. Shandon dubbed it "Thai Square"... Yes, I know. I wish I had thought of that too.

Tracy and I tried coffee treats at The Coffee Club (white mocha for me, mango smoothie for Tracy), then I got a haircut, and we left for the airport.

We head to Taiwan in a few hours, then back to the Land of the Free! It's been lovely, Thailand....

To Phang Nga and Beyond!

To Phang Nga and Beyond!

...That was really the name of our tour today, and trust me... They took the "beyond" to a whole new level. We will get to that in a minute, though. Hold your elephants (because who would want to hold your horses after riding an elephant)....

Our taxi to take us to the marina was supposed to arrive at 6:15. In true Thai fashion, let no tourist wait. Ever. They showed up at 6:00 and the lobby called to tell us. Well, our building is across the street from the lobby and the doors were locked to get out. This: A. Made me think, "How nice, we were nice and safe last night." And B. Made me panic because two people I know spent an hour last night watching YouTube footage of the Patong Beach tsunami from 2005, and one person you know refused to watch but planned an escape route that involved running up the street away from the beach (elaborate plan). But anyway, we were locked in and no escape would have been possible. No matter. But we had to flag down the taxi driver at the curb, who in turn flagged down the staff in the lobby who came to rescue us. Our hero.

We picked up a couple more tour-goers, then made it to the marina pronto. We were given a quick rundown of the day, and we were on the water in no time. We rode the boat about 40 minutes out to our first island to do a little cave swimming!

We were given a helmet (safety first in Thailand today, apparently), a pool noodle to help us float, and a flashlight. We followed our fearless leader Harry into the cave, semi-floating, semi-wading. In the deepest, darkest part of the cave, he had us turn off our flashlights to see how dark it was. In the dark, he grabbed Shandon's leg and she screamed and we all laughed while I guarantee every single one of us was thinking "THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU that wasn't me." Floating through the cave to the lagoon was a little like the Pirates of the Caribbean ride, minus the pirates and fake cannons, but plus fish that can walk. There were these fish with both gills and lungs, as well as fins and legs (greedy little buggers, if you ask me).

After the lagoon came kayaking around limestone islands, in and out of little nooks and crannies. When we got to the cove, all these kayaks and rowers were already waiting. We got our very own rower, because heaven forbid a tourist have to lift a finger in this country! They are so very accommodating. The other day in Chiang Mai a server spilled a DROPLET of my drink on my arm, and not only would she not let me wipe my own arm, I think she would have followed me home and brushed my teeth and taken out my contacts for me if I let her. Anyway, back to the cove at hand... My point is we were not allowed to row ourselves. One kayak had a rower that serenaded them with Thai ballads. Another worked on making seaweed into origami flowers while simultaneously rowing. Our rower didn't speak much, but I'm sure he was wondering how he drew the short straw and had to haul around three girls instead of the typical two riders.

After kayaking, we headed to James Bond island! There were many references to James Bond... Which I would fully understand had I ever watched one. Next was lunch on a small island restaurant. We rode in the back of pick-up trucks to get there and I learned that rubber trees are a real thing (you know, oops there goes another rubber tree plant and all that jazz).

Post lunch was another cave cruise... Harry told us he was there when the tsunami hit. He told us how the sea turned brown ("like a latte") immediately, but they had no idea what was going on until later... Except that for FOUR days prior, all animals on the island had been heading to high ground... Ants, dogs, water buffaloes, elephants... All of them. I am pleased to announce to you I saw plenty of dogs in the beach area NOT heading toward higher ground today, so it's all good.

I know what you're thinking... "This sounds like an okay day, but it is not like they went to a private beach and were served platters of fruit...." Well... Not true. That was our last stop. The boat just pulled up on this tiny little island without a soul in sight, and off we went. And just when we were thinking our sugar levels were dipping dangerously low, Harry's sidekick showed up with a platter of fruit.

It was a glorious, glorious day and a wonderful way to end our time in Phuket. We are back to Bangkok tomorrow to prep ourselves mentally for a layover in Taipei (cross your fingers for running water!!) and the flight home!

When your feet = fish food.

I started off my day with a plate of panang curry - breakfast of champions! Our cab was scheduled for 8:00 to take us to the airport... GUESS WHO SHOWED UP?! You'll never guess (because, really, why would you)... So I'll tell you. Our friendly HAHA fellow from yesterday... Only he had upgraded from a tuk tuk to a legit cab. Doors and everything! He picked up right where he left off. "Look, old man. HAHA. Old man on bike. HAHA. You like fruit? HAHA."

It was a short, 2 hour, uneventful flight to the southern tip of this country to Phuket. At takeoff, Tracy's bug spray rolled away under her to the back of the plane. We thought it was lost forever... But don't you worry, at landing it rolled right back to her. A bug spray boomerang, if you will. Or a bug spray homing pigeon. Pick your joke, it's cool with me.

Landing in Phuket was pretty because of the miles and miles of beach. Phuket is an island, in case you didn't go to your geography class in college (neither did I, no judgment). It has a Cabo feel... Tourists everywhere and people trying to get you to buy all kinds of quality, top of the line merchandise.

Our cab driver drove us the 40 km to Patong... Actually, he drove us the 40, then took a couple extra laps around the block acting lost. We weren't buying it. Well, technically, we were buying it. It was metered, after all. He dropped us off at the BYD Lofts, a modern hotel a block from the ocean. We spent the rest of the day getting used to Phuket... You know, like going to one of those aquarium things that you put your feet in and the fish give you a Thai pedicure. I don't know if that sounds like a good time to you, but if it does, you're wrong.

Our afternoon in Phuket meant lounging by the rooftop pool (yeah, that's a thing), getting coffee, and having another massage (it's hard work to ride elephants and take flights).

Standby for more Phuket fun!

Lepers and tigers and Buddhas... Oh my!

Look, unless you spent some time in a leper colony today... Well, you weren't with us. (Adding that to my list of things I never imagined saying.)

Today was our free day in Chiang Mai... Picture it... Sleeping in, having a leisurely breakfast poolside, finally getting to really enjoy that Kung pao chicken breakfast, maybe a nice big glass of watermelon juice... Then picture what REALLY went down.

"THERE'S A BIKE TOUR AT 8! IT'S 7:15!"

We managed to get our acts together pronto and headed for the bike tour headquarters. Our cab driver to get us there woke up on the right side of the bed this morning. "Bike ride? HAHA. You like bikes? HAHA. Look, mangoes. HAHA. Mangoes. HAHA. That will be 20 baht. HAHA."

We said goodbye to the cheery fellow at the bike shop and got ourselves situated with our bikes and our helmets. Helmets. HAHA. As if there were helmets. There practically weren't handlebars. Our tour consisted of the three of us, one solo traveller from New Jersey, and our tour guide, Mr... Wait for it... Tom. I'm not making that up this time. Scout's honor.

Tom was amazing. It took him exactly ten minutes and one temple excursion to start calling Shandon "The Director". This came with a bow and some Kung fu moves. I'm not sure the connection between those, but if you can figure it out, two Thai points for you. Tom also liked to shout "TEAM USA!' At random while riding down the street. I've never felt like such an Olympian.

Tom took us off the beaten path into the countryside for all kinds of fun and adventure. By now, faithful reader, you should know "fun and adventure" equals... You guessed it... TEMPLES! I was going to keep count for you of exactly how many temples we visited today, but I get a little confused with counting once I get into quadruple digits. After a temple or two, we headed straight into A LEPER COLONY. You read that correctly, no need to go back and reread. Don't you worry your pretty little head though, it hasn't been a leper colony since 1908. Or maybe 2008, I wasn't really listening... I was too busy reading the placards about the history of leprosy and trying to calculate my odds of survival. Odds are high, in case you were concerned.

I don't know about you, but nothing goes hand-in-hand like ex-leper colony and fresh baked bread. So it's no surprise that was next on the agenda. The bakery consisted of three local Thai women who demonstrated their pastry making for the tourists... And one of them was ME! I got to try my hand at bakery work, and let me tell you, it was soothing work... Kinda like cutting out students' work out of lamination... You know what I'm talking about.

We hit up a couple dozen more temples, followed by lunch at a noodle shop in the middle of the countryside. These folks love their humidity with a side of hot noodle soup! It was SO good, though... As usual.

My favorite stop came right after lunch to a school! We showed up at the best time (RECESS) and got to play. The kids were running amok, there was not a yard duty to be seen, let alone signed release paperwork for the photos we took with them. Madness! More than one child was running up to greet us while brushing their teeth. Nothing says proper dental hygiene like the word "recess". We visited one classroom and we immediately heard a chorus of "My name is!" "My name is!" "My name is!" Keep in mind no one finished this sentence... But it was cute that they were trying to practice the English phrase they knew.

We saw it all today... A pottery workshop, local fisherman casting nets and letting us "help" (help = crouch somewhat nearby for a photo), some rice fields, a larger than life gong that you hit three times for good luck, a kid at a cafe that only barks at humans, etc. etc. etc.

That gong thing must have worked because, as you know, torrential downpours are on Chiang Mai's daily to-do list. Today's happened exactly 4 seconds after we finished the tour and we jumped right in our red jalopy taxi truck and patted ourselves on the back for having the best timing ever.

We spent the rest of the day wandering Chiang Mai's old city and getting caught in another downpour (the good luck gong only applies for an hour, apparently). We had the best dinner in town. I really love these people. They know what is best for you in regards to nutrition. The other day Tracy ordered a large soup and the lady said no (large would be too much food for Tracy). Tonight I ordered my soup "Thai style" (super spicy) and again... Nope. They said it would be too spicy for me. Thank goodness I don't have to make important life decisions around here. They will do it for you! After our amazing dinner, we called it a night.

We are off to Phuket in the morning... Indian Ocean, here we come. We will miss Chiang Mai! You know who will miss me? The mosquitoes. I'm not sure what they are going to eat once I leave this town.

Until tomorrow....

Playing Chicken with chickens and other animal encounters....

Picture it, 5:00 a.m. (that would be 3 p.m. the night before to you), Tracy into the darkness of the hotel room, "You guys! The chickens even crow backwards in Thailand." I know what you're thinking... She should have stayed out of Shandon's leftover Ambien supply. We spent the next 3.4 seconds trying to determine if it was true, but we all fell back asleep before confirmation. Don't worry, though, yet another chicken will make an appearance later in this blog, if you have the stamina to read the whole thing.

Breakfast buffet a la Tamarind Village did not disappoint. I don't know about you, but I only consider a breakfast buffet to be a success if there is Kung pao chicken and pad Thai available. Check and check.

We were picked up (along with three other hotel guests, fresh-faced college graduates backpacking for six weeks, too young to remember MySpace but old enough to help us with Tracy's wifi situation on her phone) promptly at 7:30 by the Patara Elephant Farm staff member named Jack. I'm actually not making that name up, in case you are still bitter from not knowing Bangkok Tom's real name. Fast-forward about an hour and a half. We are DEEP in the tropics of Chiang Mai, enjoying both the scenery and the challenge of making connections with 23 year olds... When all of the sudden, Jack slams on his brakes and we all go flying.

Why were we not wearing seatbelts, would be the obvious question.

Because there weren't any. Also obviously.

Anyway, we all spend a few moments happy to have survived, nursing our minor whiplash, when we asked what caused the near accident.

"Chicken."

This coming from a country that doesn't brake for any man, woman, or child.

Moving on... We made it to Patara Elephant Farm a little after 9:00. We get out of the van and RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF US... Just a couple of elephants, a baby and a mama. We got to hang out with them for awhile before our elephant training. Yeah, that's a thing. Soon after we were given our elephant riding gear (which, I'm not going to lie, I loved). We then got to meet our own individual elephant for the day and we had to spend time "befriending" them. This meant we had to feed them for 10 minutes and, I kid you not, look them in the eye simultaneously. I spent a significant amount of time gazing into an elephant's eyes today. Significant. My elephant was Dodo, the largest of them all and the only one with tusks. He liked to hang out solo from the others, just snacking his way through his day. Needless to say, I felt a connection. (We like to call it "high functioning introvert", but that's not important). Tracy's elephant was a little guy named Cahm who was relatively calm and didn't give her much trouble. Shandon's was Minwe, the mama of the baby elephant, Hanna. The baby was up in Minwe's grill the whole time, which meant Shandon kind of got a two-for-one deal. BOGO, if you will.

The day was GLORIOUS. We scrubbed them in the river for baths (mine hung out downriver solo because that's how he rolls) twice - and learned a lot of elephant care basics... You know, like ears flapping equals happiness... Although for all we know, ears flapping could equal agitation but they didn't want to admit it. Who knows, and I, for one, am not Googling it. I would like to believe Dodo was in a state of bliss all the live long day. Soon after the baths and the general playing with elephants (you know, normal Thursday activities) it was time to ride! You can get on an elephant by climbing up its trunk or its legs. Due to the tusk situation, I had to go via leg. Shandon and Tracy both opted for the trunk approach... One was decidedly more graceful than the other, but we are not going to dwell on that detail. P.S. We rode these puppies bareback! No basket for us, we are legit.

Our ride took us trucking (trunking, maybe) through a river, followed by a picnic lunch, then a swim WITH the elephants, then another longer ride. The longer ride was at the very end and the perfect time for the daily Chiang Mia downpour!

Today was the absolute BEST! I can't adequately describe the amazingness, so please take how fun you think it might have been, multiply it by four, and there you have it.

MASQUITO! slaps and coffee frappes....

Yes friends, all in the course of 24 hours we had coffee frappes and Shandon got slapped by a tour guide... And when I say coffee frappes, I really mean lattes. But that doesn't rhyme, and we just can't have that. But I digress....

Today was yet another glorious day in the land of Siam (there's a fun fact for you, Thailand was Siam. That's all I know about that.) We had breakfast at our hotel for the last time (eggs all around), and promptly at 8:00, our taxi driver showed up to take us to the airport.

Here's the deal with Bangkok traffic. Vehicles do not yield to pedestrians, nor do pedestrians yield to vehicles... It is an impressive and beautiful dance they all seem to know the moves to in order to maneuver themselves. And by beautiful, I mean the most terrifying thing you've ever seen. It took over an hour to go the 14 kilometers to the airport (HEY! LOOK AT ME COMMUNICATING IN THE METRIC SYSTEM!) because of the crazy traffic. People go where they want, when they want. In the case of our cab driver, he likes to drive on the right side of the road. Which, coincidentally, is the wrong side of the road in this country. I tried to take a picture of the debacle, but it is not easy to take a picture while you are using both hands to dig into the car upholstery in terror. Darn near impossible, some might say.

Anyway, we made it to the airport and spent an hour or two shopping and enjoying our aforementioned Starbucks. Don't judge us for finding Starbucks in Thailand. Please and thank you. Our flight was a short one hour jaunt into northern Thailand... And then... A most glorious event. You know that little line on your bucket list that says, "Get off a plane and have a man holding up a sign with your name on it"? No? Just me? Well, it happened. See pic below because proof or it didn't happen.

Chiang Mai is beautiful! It is so green and lush and 100% different from Bangkok. It is much more mellow here and on our way to the hotel, everyone stayed on the proper side of the road, which was pretty tame, in our opinion. Upon arrival at Tamarind Village (we are 2 for 2 with good hotel picks), we had lunch and coconut water out of a coconut... Because coconut water in a glass is just ridiculous. As we were eating, Shandon said, and I quote, "I'm going to go see a man about a jalopy." That wasn't the actual quote, but a jalopy is what arrived at 2 p.m. To take us on an adventure. He took us to a waterfall hike (more like a waterfall trickle, but it still counts). As we were getting back in the jalopy, he screamed, "MAAAASQUITO!" And slapped Shandon's leg so hard she has a semi-permanent Thai high five on her leg. But she DOESN'T have west nile, thanks to him.

This man was quite the character. He made Tracy tell him English words for insects he found, and she had to write them for him so he could practice. In case you're curious, there is at least one tour guide in Chiang Mai that knows "millipede" and "inchworm". He also announced all nearby countries get typhoons. "Burma, Laos, Myanmar... NOT Chiang Mai." Because no self-respecting typhoon would dare show its face in glorious Chiang Mai! Also, I know you were thinking there was no way we would meet our temple quota the day of our flight, but rest easy, friend, rest easy. Our driver took us to not one, but two temples. Buddha quota met. Whew!

The second temple (Doi Something... pardon the lack of good travel details) was atop 379 steps. Not because we counted, but because the tour guide was insulted when we heard him incorrectly and thought he said 329. Any old temple can have 329 steps, after all. We got caught in a torrential downpour at the bottom of those 379 steps and high-tailed it out of there for the 45 minute car ride back to Tamarind Village.

All in all, Elephant Eve was fantastic!

The Temple Trifeca and other Thai adventures....

Up and at it bright and early this morning! I suppose that happens when you go to bed at 7 p.m.! We had a wonderful breakfast at our hotel (p.s. The hotel restaurant is vegetarian... So yours truly can now say I have eaten soy bacon. It's SO the same, said no one ever).

Our tour guide for the day met us in the hotel lobby at 8:00. He introduced himself, I have no idea how to even phonetically spell his name, so I will call him Tom. Tom took us down a pathway along the Bangkok canal to our first taxi "station". A canal taxi! You hop down from the pavement into the boat, and hope desperately you don't fall in. Don't worry, we didn't. It was packed to the gills, though, but no pick pocketing paranoia could bring us down! You know what could bring us down, though? When the splash guards protecting us from the polluted water failed and we got sprayed in the face... That will do it! After two canal taxi transfers, Tom made the announcement that filled me with glee... We were going in a tuk-tuk!

Now, as any good Thai traveler knows, you don't ride in a tuk-tuk. It's a rule. Like white after Labor Day. You just don't. Travellers will get ripped off, etc., etc., etc. But with Tom at the helm... Whole different story. Anyway, we tuk-tukked our way all through this city and it was glorious.

SO MANY TEMPLES TODAY. So many. And by so many, I mean three. Shoes off, shoes back on. Long-sleeved shirts on, back to tank tops. Stand by this Buddha, look at that Buddha. We saw the Reclining Buddha (HUGE) and the Emerald Buddha (GREEN). I could even tell you how to tell the difference between a Thai Buddha and one from Burma or Myanmar... I would tell you, but I'm not getting the feeling you care. The temples were all very cool though, and the Grand Palace was particularly impressive.

One real taxi and then a boat ride later, we were in the Bang Luang district, where there was not a tourist to be seen. It was along the canal as well, and we got to have authentic noodle soup... And it went a little something like this:

Tom: You pick your noodle and your meat.

Tracy: I'll have fish.

Tom: There is no fish.

Tracy: Oh, okay.

Tom (to me): What would you like?

Me: I'll have chicken.

Tom: There is no chicken. Only pork and fish.

Tracy: ...

End scene, roll credits, no fish for you. The soup was SO good, though! In the million percent humidity, that says a lot. The place didn't even have a name, it's that popular. The next stop was a coffee shop along the canal where we "had a rest", as Tom put it. That equaled sitting at the water's edge, feeding the catfish with a bucket of fish food that cost sixty cents. After our rest we headed to an orchid farm via motorized canoe (just as exciting to embark as the water taxi, but there is only room for 6 people). We toured the Bang Noi canal and saw some serious Bangkokness (yeah, that's a word). Woman in canoe selling souvenirs? Check. Man in canoe with a bucket acting as ice cream man? Check. Water monitor? CHECK CHECK CHECK. We saw three of those bad boys and I spent the rest of the time mentally planning my escape from one if the canoe capsized.

We saw acres upon acres of orchids and it was lovely. Tom put two seeds in my hand and added water and the seeds popped and it scared the living daylights out of me then Shandon walked up and Tom attempted to do the same. She asked if they were going to pop in her hand and we couldn't believe she could possibly know that. "I'm a landscaper's daughter," she said as the seeds popped and she didn't even flinch. *insert mental image of wide-eyed emoji*. :)

Tom, our fearless leader, got us back to our hotel by 4 p.m... We found the hotel library, did some reading by the pool, another dinner of amazingness, and called it a day.

Next up... Chiang Mai and those elephants!